Life as a baffled and perplexed hungry girl
~ Friday, May 17, 2002
I just ate and I'm still hungry!
But what is really bothering me is my propensity to burst into random boughts of hysterical tears over nothing important. It's not like I don't have enough issues in my life which give me justifiable reasons to cry long and hard and really just consistently all the time. But it is never these things which upset me. My father can ream me out for being a complete failure at everything in my life and I won't even flinch. But when the screwed up Alice in Wonderland poster on my wall decided to fall off onto my bed this evening, I just couldn't take it. That was more than I was emoutionally prepared to deal with. And so a veritable flood of tears and blubbering nonsensical sobs errupted from my being.
A good twenty minutes later, I managed to pull myself together and decided these fits of hysterics may be linked to some sort of problem within my life and waranted the reevaluation my life plan. Another twenty minutes later I sat in the middle of my room more confused, perplexed and hungry than when I started. The only conclusion I could come to is that I must start to live now! I cannot procrastinate any longer. I need to deal with my issues right now and move on. I am going to 'grab the bull by the horns' And I'm going to do it right now damn it! However fucking terrifying the reality of the next six months of my life may be, I am going to start to deal with it NOW!
Wish me luck
I woke up today and I was hungry
I was also very tired and eventually the tired won out over the hunger and I simply went back to sleep. A good three hours later I awoke and realized that I had missed a math and history test and suddenly I wasn't so hungry anymore. I was more worried about things. The silly part being that the things that I was worried about were pretty far off the concern that should arise from the missing of a math test. No, I was suddenly overcome with this horrible fear that I am physically, emoutionally, and intellectually unable to survive in the world on my own. I have reached a point in my life where it is time to move out and support myself but I don't know that I have developed the proper survival skills to do this. All of a sudden one overpowering thought entered my mind
I WANT MY TEDDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes I was overcome with a need to curl up in a ball with my childhood teddy and cry about nothing in particular. The difference was that as a young child when a situation like this occured my next reaction would automatically be to call for mommy as well. This time was different. I didn't want mommy. Instead I wanted to solve the problem. So I got up off my bed, fed my hungry stomach, got in the car, and went to the mall to find comfort in Aldo, Roxy and Jacob.
I suppose as we age, we learn that a simple hug really can't make things better anymore. Not that Aldo solved all my life's dillemmas, but I'd rather be confused with a really nice pair of sandals on my feet than my overly concerned and completely unhelpful mother round my neck.
~ Thursday, May 16, 2002
Today I ate half a large pizza and enough ice cream to feed a small nation for a considerable period of time provided the food was properly rationed.
As I consumed my ice cream (hevenly hash mmmmm) I watched Star Wars with my friend the Vole. We found ourselves strangely unable to allow a single line to pass without relating it directly to sex. It was pretty much a night of random junior high school caliber penis jokes. We concluded that Star Wars is an incredibly phalic piece of film and George Lucas must have some serious issues he and his wife should address.
The truth of the situation though, is simply that we both had sex on the mind. We are sexually curious and confused and really need someone to talk to openly about it but instead employ covert operations involving joke sessions and Star Wars phalacies to vent as best we can.
Why can't we just come right out and say it???
"How do I balance when he puts it.........." "What does he like when I lick........." "What the hell was he doing when he............."
Alas these questions will never be asked as they are always countered by the slightly squiemish group members "That was an overshare" or "Too much information"
I just don't get it. If we can't outrightly talk about SEX....wait i'm going to say it again SEX, with out girlfriends in a comfortable and friendly manner how are we ever going to address issues with the guy himself??? Basically I am in need of advice and someone to talk to and everyone around me is too proper or too scared, to go there.